Tuesday, January 5, 2010

It's so cold that ...


Here in Indianapolis, Indiana, it’s so cold that …

- Republicans and Democrats are hugging each other -- for warmth.

- sucking on an ice cube just makes it bigger.

- milk is being sold by the slice.

- there’s a fog warning out for breath exhalations.

- people are using vacuum cleaners instead of showering.

- all of the local “greasy spoon” eateries are packed with people hoping to get heartburn.

- a glacier is slowly creeping down Meridian Street.

- no one is fishing -- because it's become too easy. The fish are jumping straight out of the lakes and streams into deep-fat fryers.

- we’re seriously thinking about trading in the Indianapolis Colts for a dog-sled team.

- the Amish are buying electric blankets.

- all of the Starlings have moved out of the area and have been replaced with Arctic Terns.

- people need to use wallpaper steamers just to change their clothes.

- I tried to take out the garbage, and it refused to go.

- instead of driving my car to work, I just hitched up the dog to a sled.

- changing diapers involves hammers and chisels.

- the porch thermometer says, “colder than a mackerel.”

- the local indoor water park has become an indoor toboggan track.

- polar-bear swimmers are becoming frozen into place and are having to wait for spring thaw in order to be rescued.

- peeing in the snow has suddenly become very dangerous -- not to mention uncomfortable.

- kids have been lying through their teeth in the hopes that their pants will catch fire.

- texting has become all but impossible, because everyone’s wearing at least three pairs of gloves.

- religious leaders are becoming concerned, because their congregations are starting to like some of the things they’ve been hearing about Hell.

- my hot coffee has suddenly become a coffee Slushie.

- warm beer suddenly sounds VERY good.

- Crown Hill Cemetery is having to install heaters for all the ghosts.

- Girl Scouts are selling chocolate popsicles.

- ALL of the breakfast cereal is now frosted.

- the envelope for my heating bill has the following warning printed on it: “SIT DOWN BEFORE OPENING.”

- thermal underwear is the latest fashion must-have.

- metal cutlery has been outlawed.

- Snowy Owls are moving in downtown.

- global warming opponents are completely convinced they’ve won the debate. Now they're griping about “global freezing.”

- when I took off my gloves, I had one less finger.

- my toes are … Hey, where are my toes?!?!

Of course, I’m kidding.

... or am I?

3 comments:

SallyP said...

Brrrrrrrrr!!

It's cold in New England, but not quite THAT cold. My Sweet Baboo had to fly to Des Moines this week for a seminar, and it was 10 below zero!

Egad.

Try and keep ahead of that glacier.

MetFanMac said...

I LOLed. Several times.

METFANMAC LAUGHS AT YOUR DISCOMFORT AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sea-of-Green said...

I'm just glad I have a wood-burning fireplace -- and LOTS of firewood!