Tuesday, January 5, 2010
It's so cold that ...
Here in Indianapolis, Indiana, it’s so cold that …
- Republicans and Democrats are hugging each other -- for warmth.
- sucking on an ice cube just makes it bigger.
- milk is being sold by the slice.
- there’s a fog warning out for breath exhalations.
- people are using vacuum cleaners instead of showering.
- all of the local “greasy spoon” eateries are packed with people hoping to get heartburn.
- a glacier is slowly creeping down Meridian Street.
- no one is fishing -- because it's become too easy. The fish are jumping straight out of the lakes and streams into deep-fat fryers.
- we’re seriously thinking about trading in the Indianapolis Colts for a dog-sled team.
- the Amish are buying electric blankets.
- all of the Starlings have moved out of the area and have been replaced with Arctic Terns.
- people need to use wallpaper steamers just to change their clothes.
- I tried to take out the garbage, and it refused to go.
- instead of driving my car to work, I just hitched up the dog to a sled.
- changing diapers involves hammers and chisels.
- the porch thermometer says, “colder than a mackerel.”
- the local indoor water park has become an indoor toboggan track.
- polar-bear swimmers are becoming frozen into place and are having to wait for spring thaw in order to be rescued.
- peeing in the snow has suddenly become very dangerous -- not to mention uncomfortable.
- kids have been lying through their teeth in the hopes that their pants will catch fire.
- texting has become all but impossible, because everyone’s wearing at least three pairs of gloves.
- religious leaders are becoming concerned, because their congregations are starting to like some of the things they’ve been hearing about Hell.
- my hot coffee has suddenly become a coffee Slushie.
- warm beer suddenly sounds VERY good.
- Crown Hill Cemetery is having to install heaters for all the ghosts.
- Girl Scouts are selling chocolate popsicles.
- ALL of the breakfast cereal is now frosted.
- the envelope for my heating bill has the following warning printed on it: “SIT DOWN BEFORE OPENING.”
- thermal underwear is the latest fashion must-have.
- metal cutlery has been outlawed.
- Snowy Owls are moving in downtown.
- global warming opponents are completely convinced they’ve won the debate. Now they're griping about “global freezing.”
- when I took off my gloves, I had one less finger.
- my toes are … Hey, where are my toes?!?!
Of course, I’m kidding.
... or am I?