Tuesday, January 5, 2010

It's so cold that ...

Here in Indianapolis, Indiana, it’s so cold that …

- Republicans and Democrats are hugging each other -- for warmth.

- sucking on an ice cube just makes it bigger.

- milk is being sold by the slice.

- there’s a fog warning out for breath exhalations.

- people are using vacuum cleaners instead of showering.

- all of the local “greasy spoon” eateries are packed with people hoping to get heartburn.

- a glacier is slowly creeping down Meridian Street.

- no one is fishing -- because it's become too easy. The fish are jumping straight out of the lakes and streams into deep-fat fryers.

- we’re seriously thinking about trading in the Indianapolis Colts for a dog-sled team.

- the Amish are buying electric blankets.

- all of the Starlings have moved out of the area and have been replaced with Arctic Terns.

- people need to use wallpaper steamers just to change their clothes.

- I tried to take out the garbage, and it refused to go.

- instead of driving my car to work, I just hitched up the dog to a sled.

- changing diapers involves hammers and chisels.

- the porch thermometer says, “colder than a mackerel.”

- the local indoor water park has become an indoor toboggan track.

- polar-bear swimmers are becoming frozen into place and are having to wait for spring thaw in order to be rescued.

- peeing in the snow has suddenly become very dangerous -- not to mention uncomfortable.

- kids have been lying through their teeth in the hopes that their pants will catch fire.

- texting has become all but impossible, because everyone’s wearing at least three pairs of gloves.

- religious leaders are becoming concerned, because their congregations are starting to like some of the things they’ve been hearing about Hell.

- my hot coffee has suddenly become a coffee Slushie.

- warm beer suddenly sounds VERY good.

- Crown Hill Cemetery is having to install heaters for all the ghosts.

- Girl Scouts are selling chocolate popsicles.

- ALL of the breakfast cereal is now frosted.

- the envelope for my heating bill has the following warning printed on it: “SIT DOWN BEFORE OPENING.”

- thermal underwear is the latest fashion must-have.

- metal cutlery has been outlawed.

- Snowy Owls are moving in downtown.

- global warming opponents are completely convinced they’ve won the debate. Now they're griping about “global freezing.”

- when I took off my gloves, I had one less finger.

- my toes are … Hey, where are my toes?!?!

Of course, I’m kidding.

... or am I?


SallyP said...


It's cold in New England, but not quite THAT cold. My Sweet Baboo had to fly to Des Moines this week for a seminar, and it was 10 below zero!


Try and keep ahead of that glacier.

MetFanMac said...

I LOLed. Several times.


Sea-of-Green said...

I'm just glad I have a wood-burning fireplace -- and LOTS of firewood!