Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Jonah Hex vs. Devil Dinosaur

In keeping with this blog's current obsession with cowboys and dinosaurs (courtesy of the movie The Valley of Gwangi), here is a small comic-book-based presentation displaying exactly why combining cowboys and dinosaurs is NOT a good idea.

This is Jonah Hex, bounty hunter, boozer, womanizer, and all-around bad-ass -- and, in comics, the cowboyin'est cowboy whut ever cowboyed:

This is Devil Dinosaur, a Tyrannosaurus Rex with a grumpy demeanor and a nasty case of rosacea brought on by a bad experience at a public barbecue:

Jonah has his rifle and his six-shooters. Devil has his ... well ... he's a Tyrannosaurus Rex, okay? So, let's see what happens when these two are brought together.

Now, now, Jonah -- be a good sport.

So, let's assume Jonah is out riding on his horse, when he senses there's something mighty peculiar up ahead.

SUDDENLY, from out of nowhere--!
Holy crap! What's that!?! Well, it's BIG. It's got HUGE TEETH. It looks MEAN. In the Old West, things like that tend to get SHOT.

However, the cowboy we have here is Jonah Hex, who DOES tend to be a bit more open-minded than the average cowboy. So, let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say he DOESN'T immediately start shooting at Devil ...

... at least not until Devil eats his horse.


Uh, oh ...

Jonah grabs his HAT, grabs his RIFLE ... AND ...

Good shot, Jonah, but ... um ... did the big critter even FEEL that?

Well, maybe just a little.

Seriously, Jonah -- I think maybe you should try to use dynamite or at least an elephant gun against Devil Dinosaur. Oh, well, try again. Maybe the six-shooters ...?


Yeah, I think now MAYBE Devil Dinosaur is getting the impression that something isn't quite right. Try again, Jonah -- maybe with some hollow-tipped bullets this time?

Whoa! THAT got the critter's attention!

Uh-oh, he looks mad.

The critter is charging--!

SHOOT, Jonah! SHOOT!

Oooh, I can't look!

Jonah Hex is down! And I think it's safe to say that his brains have been reduced to tequila.

You really don't want to know what happens next.

You REALLY, REALLY don't.

So, that's dinosaur = 1, cowboy = 0

Maybe a lone cowboy would do better against smaller and less ferocious dinosaurs, but NOT against big ol' grumpy meat-eaters. So, unless the cowboy happens to have a large posse accompanying him (or much nastier weapons), he's guaranteed to lose against a big dinosaur.

With sincere and heartfelt apologies to Dwayne at Matching Dragoons.

12 comments:

ComicsAllTooReal's Chris said...

You ask me, I vouched the entire time for the dinosaur ;)

SallyP said...

NOT HIS HORSE! Jonah tends to take it personally when you mess with his horse.

Actually, I'm glad that you left it ambiguous at the end. Since it is entirely possible that all of Jonah's bullets simply BOUNCED off of Devil Dinosaur, it is also possible that Jonah simply grabbed them all up and THREW them down the terrible monter's gullet just before being eaten. So, Devil Dinosaur died from lead poisoning after all.

TF said...

Nextwave agents of H.A.T.E. mad me love Devil Dinosaur.

the scheming monkey cowboy didn't stand a chance :-D

Maxo said...

Oooh — so that's what happened to Jonah.

FoldedSoup said...

If only Jonah could get his hands on some kind of super gun from the future!

You are awesome!

Erica said...

AWESOME! (And probably better than the actual storylines.)

Dwayne "the canoe guy" said...

I can't believe you post this right before I'm gonna be gone for a week. I'm already sifting through my books looking for Jonah unloading something bigger and let me tell ya, he's gonna be coming with a wolf and a fistful of dynamite!!

RAB said...

Superbly done.

plok said...

Educational!

Sea_of_Green said...

Okay, okay, I'll admit that if Jonah HAD been packin' dynamite, he MIGHT have had a chance against Devil.

But, darnit, I hate seeing the monsters LOSE. The monsters ALWAYS lose! :-(

ComicsAllTooReal's Chris said...

Unless it's Devil vs. Godzilla. A monster would certainly win ;-)

Tony Z™ said...

Okay. This is just funny!! I love it!